T is for Trauma, C is for Calm

This class was much less intense than I thought it would be. Sure, we talked about trauma, and all her examples were awful experiences to think that actually happen, but mostly it was about how to parent traumatized children.

Attachment First, consequences and 'lessons' later

As Roman and I often remind ourselves- these kids are not in their own homes because The government deems their parents unfit. The government. woah. This means that the children coming into our homes have been failed by the people on earth they instinctively depend on to take care of them. The theme of the class was to show your children that they, and the relationship you have, is more important than anything else. Your relationship with them is crucial for balancing fear and anxiety, and sets an example for their future relationships with others.

Trauma

Trauma changes the brain chemistry creating a permanent (or long term) fight, flight of freeze instinct. Children often will not be able to understand, predict, or articulate their on behaviors or their causes.  They will also expect a lack of consistency and unpredictable behavior from you, as parents. Re-programming these expectations can be a long and difficult process. It is important to ask yourself "what happened to you?" when odd behaviors arise rather than the typical "what is wrong with you?". Children are not acting out purposefully, they are in survival mode. 

They want to succeed

they want to care

they want to fit in

they want you to love them 

Reacting

Reacting to negative behaviors is a tricky business. With children who have experienced trauma it is very important to react in a way that shows them that they are more important to you than their behavior- basically, react the opposite of what is instinct. Remain calm, and stay regulated- because they cant, and you are their rudder. 

Meet mistakes with encouragement

 bad choices with sympathy

frustrations with affirmations

hurtful behavior with acts of kindness and making amends

Teach Laughter

Teach Hope

Obviously easier said than done. We will see how it goes! One more class left!

Race and Identity in Foster Care

One can never truly step into an-others' shoes to learn other perspectives of race and ethnicity. Cultural concepts are too different from birth within your family and the community to even come close to identifying with an-others experiences. I have been to three "race and diversity" seminars in the past year, and they all resulted in vastly different experiences.

The first was mostly middle age white women talking about how we can be more inclusive. Although intentions were great, this type of petition has a very limited scope since only one perspective is understood- and there isn't a clear way to bridge the gaps of understanding. We can talk about race and diversity extensively as a group, but only one side is being voiced.

The second was more interesting. The attendees were still mostly white women, but there were high school students, and a panel of people willing to share their experiences of adversity in the community. The panel was made up of immigrants from around the globe that all created a community in Hopkins. Each had a unique perspective of how the community responds to diversity, and how their own family fit within the local culture. There was time to speak in small groups- with 'table leaders' that were a diverse range of high school students. This experience was a good snapshot into what it is like for other people living in Hopkins but I still wanted to know more, I could have listened to the Panels' stories for a few more hours, at least. Im sure there is a podcast for that somewhere.

The third and final class was Race and Identity, instructed by Robert O'Connor. This was the experience I had been looking for all along. Not only did Professor O'Connor grow up in the foster care center as a young black man, he became an expert in trans-racial adoption, social work, and is currently a Professor teaching in these subjects. Every psychological concept was accompanied by a personal story- which gave everyone at the training exactly what we need- an opportunity to just sit and listen to someone experiences.

Give your foster kids positive influences of their own culture before the world has a chance to tell them who they are, and who they should be.

As foster parents, we need to be mindful of our own culture, and the culture our children come from. Intentionally going out of the way to immerse them in what they know is extremely helpful in concreting their identity within the community. Your child craves an influence that looks like, talks like, or is like them.

Help your foster kids find a mastery in something

This can be anything. Running, crafts, sports, poetry, woodcraft- anything that can help them be confident in themselves, and teach them perseverance, diligence, and show them what it feels like to be successful.

This class was beyond helpful, I wish Professor O'Connor had a podcast! Roman and I agree that this class was our favorite so far in the fostering process- two more classes to go!

Munchkin Market

Thanks, Captian Obvious :P

This month we are wrapping up our in-class training We have three more classes before the end of may and then we will be on to the home inspection, and home study. I found out about this Munchkin Market from a friend and I brought my mom with to check it out. It was at the state fairgrounds.

We had a lot of fun, Mom even found a dragon puppet for herself- watch out for that dragonboaters! We found a lot of great stuff and we were very pleased with how organized it all was!There was a ton of baby stuff, strollers and standers, racks and racks of pink clothes, and buckets of books. I had a pretty specific list which we stuck to pretty well. we got some blocks, a toolbox (it's pink oddly enough), an umbrella stroller (per mom instructions), some toys for the bathtub, and accessories for the play kitchen I made.

Anticipation is in full effect!

The dogs were very eager to sniff everything once I returned home. They turned out to be excellent models of scale next to the toys in the pictures.

I've also been making some good headway on my crocodile quilt. Now all the crocodiles are put together, they just need to be sewn altogether and then the quilting part may begin. I'll save the pictures for a later post.