T is for Trauma, C is for Calm

This class was much less intense than I thought it would be. Sure, we talked about trauma, and all her examples were awful experiences to think that actually happen, but mostly it was about how to parent traumatized children.

Attachment First, consequences and 'lessons' later

As Roman and I often remind ourselves- these kids are not in their own homes because The government deems their parents unfit. The government. woah. This means that the children coming into our homes have been failed by the people on earth they instinctively depend on to take care of them. The theme of the class was to show your children that they, and the relationship you have, is more important than anything else. Your relationship with them is crucial for balancing fear and anxiety, and sets an example for their future relationships with others.

Trauma

Trauma changes the brain chemistry creating a permanent (or long term) fight, flight of freeze instinct. Children often will not be able to understand, predict, or articulate their on behaviors or their causes.  They will also expect a lack of consistency and unpredictable behavior from you, as parents. Re-programming these expectations can be a long and difficult process. It is important to ask yourself "what happened to you?" when odd behaviors arise rather than the typical "what is wrong with you?". Children are not acting out purposefully, they are in survival mode. 

They want to succeed

they want to care

they want to fit in

they want you to love them 

Reacting

Reacting to negative behaviors is a tricky business. With children who have experienced trauma it is very important to react in a way that shows them that they are more important to you than their behavior- basically, react the opposite of what is instinct. Remain calm, and stay regulated- because they cant, and you are their rudder. 

Meet mistakes with encouragement

 bad choices with sympathy

frustrations with affirmations

hurtful behavior with acts of kindness and making amends

Teach Laughter

Teach Hope

Obviously easier said than done. We will see how it goes! One more class left!