T is for Trauma, C is for Calm

This class was much less intense than I thought it would be. Sure, we talked about trauma, and all her examples were awful experiences to think that actually happen, but mostly it was about how to parent traumatized children.

Attachment First, consequences and 'lessons' later

As Roman and I often remind ourselves- these kids are not in their own homes because The government deems their parents unfit. The government. woah. This means that the children coming into our homes have been failed by the people on earth they instinctively depend on to take care of them. The theme of the class was to show your children that they, and the relationship you have, is more important than anything else. Your relationship with them is crucial for balancing fear and anxiety, and sets an example for their future relationships with others.

Trauma

Trauma changes the brain chemistry creating a permanent (or long term) fight, flight of freeze instinct. Children often will not be able to understand, predict, or articulate their on behaviors or their causes.  They will also expect a lack of consistency and unpredictable behavior from you, as parents. Re-programming these expectations can be a long and difficult process. It is important to ask yourself "what happened to you?" when odd behaviors arise rather than the typical "what is wrong with you?". Children are not acting out purposefully, they are in survival mode. 

They want to succeed

they want to care

they want to fit in

they want you to love them 

Reacting

Reacting to negative behaviors is a tricky business. With children who have experienced trauma it is very important to react in a way that shows them that they are more important to you than their behavior- basically, react the opposite of what is instinct. Remain calm, and stay regulated- because they cant, and you are their rudder. 

Meet mistakes with encouragement

 bad choices with sympathy

frustrations with affirmations

hurtful behavior with acts of kindness and making amends

Teach Laughter

Teach Hope

Obviously easier said than done. We will see how it goes! One more class left!

Race and Identity in Foster Care

One can never truly step into an-others' shoes to learn other perspectives of race and ethnicity. Cultural concepts are too different from birth within your family and the community to even come close to identifying with an-others experiences. I have been to three "race and diversity" seminars in the past year, and they all resulted in vastly different experiences.

The first was mostly middle age white women talking about how we can be more inclusive. Although intentions were great, this type of petition has a very limited scope since only one perspective is understood- and there isn't a clear way to bridge the gaps of understanding. We can talk about race and diversity extensively as a group, but only one side is being voiced.

The second was more interesting. The attendees were still mostly white women, but there were high school students, and a panel of people willing to share their experiences of adversity in the community. The panel was made up of immigrants from around the globe that all created a community in Hopkins. Each had a unique perspective of how the community responds to diversity, and how their own family fit within the local culture. There was time to speak in small groups- with 'table leaders' that were a diverse range of high school students. This experience was a good snapshot into what it is like for other people living in Hopkins but I still wanted to know more, I could have listened to the Panels' stories for a few more hours, at least. Im sure there is a podcast for that somewhere.

The third and final class was Race and Identity, instructed by Robert O'Connor. This was the experience I had been looking for all along. Not only did Professor O'Connor grow up in the foster care center as a young black man, he became an expert in trans-racial adoption, social work, and is currently a Professor teaching in these subjects. Every psychological concept was accompanied by a personal story- which gave everyone at the training exactly what we need- an opportunity to just sit and listen to someone experiences.

Give your foster kids positive influences of their own culture before the world has a chance to tell them who they are, and who they should be.

As foster parents, we need to be mindful of our own culture, and the culture our children come from. Intentionally going out of the way to immerse them in what they know is extremely helpful in concreting their identity within the community. Your child craves an influence that looks like, talks like, or is like them.

Help your foster kids find a mastery in something

This can be anything. Running, crafts, sports, poetry, woodcraft- anything that can help them be confident in themselves, and teach them perseverance, diligence, and show them what it feels like to be successful.

This class was beyond helpful, I wish Professor O'Connor had a podcast! Roman and I agree that this class was our favorite so far in the fostering process- two more classes to go!

Munchkin Market

Thanks, Captian Obvious :P

This month we are wrapping up our in-class training We have three more classes before the end of may and then we will be on to the home inspection, and home study. I found out about this Munchkin Market from a friend and I brought my mom with to check it out. It was at the state fairgrounds.

We had a lot of fun, Mom even found a dragon puppet for herself- watch out for that dragonboaters! We found a lot of great stuff and we were very pleased with how organized it all was!There was a ton of baby stuff, strollers and standers, racks and racks of pink clothes, and buckets of books. I had a pretty specific list which we stuck to pretty well. we got some blocks, a toolbox (it's pink oddly enough), an umbrella stroller (per mom instructions), some toys for the bathtub, and accessories for the play kitchen I made.

Anticipation is in full effect!

The dogs were very eager to sniff everything once I returned home. They turned out to be excellent models of scale next to the toys in the pictures.

I've also been making some good headway on my crocodile quilt. Now all the crocodiles are put together, they just need to be sewn altogether and then the quilting part may begin. I'll save the pictures for a later post.

Trauma and Mental Health

Last night we took a class about Childrens’ Mental Health. It was a very interesting three-hour class covering all the mental health issues likely to be paired with trauma. I only took 7 pages of notes! We all know about Fight or Flight instincts, but there’s a Freeze instinct too. In short; trauma causes these instincts to always be activated, so those tiny bodies are trying to deal with all the extra hormones and adrenaline that come with Fight, Flight, or Freeze reactions. There are a lot of anxiety, manic and depressive disorders that go hand in hand with trauma.

 The most interesting thing we got out of the class is the importance of asking the right questions. Instead of asking yourself “WHY is this child behaving like this?” it’s more important to ask “WHAT HAS HAPPENED to this child that makes them behave like this?”.

All behaviors have a purpose:
1) To gain control
2) to get attention
3) to get revenge
4) proving inadequacy

It was emphasized in the class that it’s not about us as foster parents. It’s about the child and their lack of ability to communicate with you and/or trust adults in general. Most behaviors are a way to cover or hide pain and vulnerability. Really, it’s all just having the empathy and understanding to look at the world through their lenses of distrust and trauma.

Here is a video created by an adult looking through her eyes at her foster experience (it ends well) 

I Survived!

Yesterday we went to a three-hour training about car seats. Stating this to friends and family usually prompted the response "three hours!?"  I can now say with certainty that yes, one can discuss car seats for three hours.

There were a lot of materials, and demonstrations as well as watching many crash test dummies try and survive car safety testing. With an age range of 2-8, we have a lot of options and possible requirements. If a child like Roman or myself gets placed with us, they will likely have to be in a booster seat until they take drivers ed, we are a very small people. If a tall child gets placed with us we may only need a booster seat for a short time.


One of the best parts was that my Mom attended. When we learned about Sudden infant death syndrome and how to prevent it, I leaned over and said: "I survived!". She in turn also rejoiced when she found out she survived 1960's style car seats- which are basically just a mechanism for containing a child, and allowing them to be high enough to see out the window. Point being, safety and "the right way to parent" are always changing, but most of us survive!


Two major takeaways: 

1. Kids are pumpkin headed
2. It's actually important to read manuals

Mostly what we learned was from the people attending the training with us. It is really important to just let the teacher speak. There were several people that were interrupting, and overreacting to the teaching material. The Instructor had been teaching this subject for 17 years, he was informative and funny, and his presentation was memorized- Just let him talk- you are just slowing down the already long process.  If you want to teach the class, get certified, and teach your own class.

I Am

Speaking with friends and family the past few weeks about turning 30, and what that entails is quite interesting. It has made me realize that this point of life is the first time that I am not about to do, or about to be something. I am.

I Am not about to 

 I just Am

I Am a college graduate

 I Am a career woman

 I Am a wife

I Am and activist

 I Am 

My twenties were so full of pressure and pull to plan to be something, plan to go to school, plan to find the one, plan to find a career, a home, or plan to adopt pets. Now,  being where I am, I feel like I can finally look around and appreciate where I am instead of blindly and fervently planning my next degree, career move, or significant milestone. 

The Big 3-0

All year I have been really excited to turn thirty- Finally! Some "legitimate" age to tell people when they undershoot- something that screams "IMA GROWN UP! take me seriously please! :)"

My family threw me a nice party and invited some friends- It was a good time until we played charades! I had answered some random questions earlier in the week and My favorite books, movies, and places got turned into charade topics. Watching your family and friends try and act out Ferris Bueller's day off, One Thousand White Women, or Fort Bragg California is pretty great.

I've come up with some good and fun goals for the future, always a fun task!

1. Live in a Treehouse
2. Get some Chickens
3. Visit Iceland
4. Get longer legs, or stilts
5. Swim in all the seas- 3 to go
6. Foster kids
7. Adopt kids
8. Road trip to more states -28 left

Let The Fun Begin!

If you haven't heard yet, Roman and I have decided to become Foster Parents with the intention of adopting. We are both really excited! Getting ready and slowly making our way through the process is exciting, terrifying and fun. We started collecting books a while ago- its always fun to have something to search for at good will. We have found some good collectables - adding to my Jan Brett collection!

Teaching preschool has certainly prepared me for this task! I have a whole list of my favorite books from story times, and a pretty keen sense of what kids will like to hear. Since we don't actually know anything specific about our future child we've been curating a collection of books that have themes of inclusivity, love, adoption, and be yourself attitudes, as well as diverse characters. For fun there are also a variety of science based books, and my favorites from childhood.

Old Favorites 
Miss Rumphius  By Barbra Cooney
The Quilt Story By Tony Johnston
The Paper Bag Princess By Robert Munsch
Girls to the Rescue By Bruce Lansky
Roman's childhood book of poems 


New Finds
Caps For Sale By Esphyr Slobodkina
The Hippo-Not-Amus By Tony and Jan Payne
Even Monsters Need Haircuts By Matthew McElligott
The Weaving of a Dream By Marilee Heyer
Alejandro's Gift By Richard E Albert
Goggles! By Ezra Jack Keats

Along with these we have many kids books in Slovak (so I can learn and practice) as well as The Chronicles of Narnia, Little House on the Prairie, and two full sets of Harry Potter (English, and Slovak).

Other Books on our 'Wishlist'
Click Clack Moo
Dragons Love Tacos
Snowmen At Night
Giraffes Can't Dance
Rosie Revere: Engineer
Violet the Pilot
Ada Twist: Scientist
A Mother for Choco
Llama Llama (Roman gets mad when books don't rhyme)
Before You Were Mine
Love Makes A Family
The Snowy Day (or anything by Ezra Jack Keats) 

here is a link to more foster care oriented children's books
Please let us know your favorite kids books in the comments!

The Inaugural Voyage of the First Mate

After Millie had discovered that she like water- despite Fred’s distain, the humans took them on a boating adventure. This was the first time Millie had been in a boat, and she did not know what to do as the First Mate. Captain Fred had to teach her along the way. The boat set sail, both humans were paddling, Captain Fred was overseeing his crew from the center, and First Mate Millie was trying her hardest to abandon ship. The waters were rough, and she hadn’t learned about buoyancy.

One of the humans held her in the boat. Millie tried with all her strength and might to get out of the grasps of the human and into the water. She successfully abandoned ship twice- being hauled back in by the strap on her life jacket before she saw Fred- calm, regal, anticipating adventure.

First Mate Millie Calmed down- now wet from her plunges into the rough seas, and began to enjoy the voyage. She sat out on the bow hunting flies, and watching fish. Captain Fred and First Mate Millie 

The Adventures of Fred and Millie

I wrote this story a while ago right after we got Millie, hope you like it!

Once upon a time there was a little puppy named Fred lost in the wilderness of Tennessee. One day a Human found him and took him on a long car ride to a house. The house had some small humans, and some dog friends for Fred to play with. A few days later two humans came to pet Fred, and they took him to their house to be a part of their pack.

He became the king of the castle. He ate big cakes and turkey legs every day, and spent a lot of time taking naps in his giant bed, or on the fluffy couch. He had fun looking out over his kingdom and growling at the bunnies eating clover below him. Fred was happy with his new humans. He learned how to captain a ship, and how to swim- although he didn’t really like getting his ears wet.  And of course, the humans took Fred on his favorite adventures- camping!

After a while Fred became very lonely. He missed having other four legged friends to talk to when his Humans were gone, and he needed some help- because humans are very hard to keep in a Herd. They are always running away- so frustrating!

One day at the dog park Fred met a friend named Millie. She was long and short like Fred but she looked different! Her fur was very fluffy and her tail was very long but they both had tiger stripes. After a short car ride- Fred and Millie were riding together. At first Fred was sad that he had to share his car, his bed, and his humans. After a few days Fred realized that Millie was going to be a part of their pack for a long time. He was so happy to have someone to lead, and Millie was happy to have an alpha to teach her that Humans were good- they have all the treats after all.

Fred and Millie became best friends and spend their days herding humans. Fred taught Millie how to be First Mate of the boat, and Millie taught Fred that thunder and fireworks aren’t something to be so afraid of. They live happily ever after as a new pack hunting rabbits, sailing, and prancing through the tall grass. 

Bowling with Preschoolers: a recipie by emily

Ingredients:

• 20-40 preschoolers
• 4 sleds
• Playground with a small hill
• light snowcover
• chainlink fence (optional) 

Directions: Chill playground to 30F, add snow to taste. Slowly mix together sleds and preschoolers, add to playground. Watch as preschoolers pile on sleds and slide towards the bottom of the where others are standing. Check for injuries periodically. Be aware that so me children may slide towards the fence, and half way through. They will need assistance getting unstuck. Be prepared for crying, laughter and fun. Results may vary.

The Great Escape!

We made it! Finished the season, packed up and checked out! We are now in Salt Lake City eating tacos, being a part of the real world. Here are some things we haven't done in a LONG time that happened today.

1. We bought something in a store that didn't say "Yellowstone" on it.
2. Watched Live TV
3. Made our own lunch from non-sysco food
4. Drove in traffic that was non- animal related

Tomorrow we're off to Arches, and to make sure the salt lake is salty...

its freeeeeeeeeezzzziiiinnnnggggg

 Today is my Saturday and Sunday so we tried to see eruption of Grand Geyser. Our timing was perfect and Grand went off just when we got there. Why did we picked Grand? Because its the only big geyser that I did not have a chance to see, so that`s why. Nice eruption, lasting like 10 minutes or so. It was funny to be there with people which were wohooing when the eruption happened  I know it is quite exciting but hey! calm down, it happens every day.

     Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Today we woke up to 7 degrees temperature. Pretty awesome isn`t it?  It seems that winter is coming to the Yellowstone country, maybe we will once wake up to the snow covered roads. Anything is possible in here, mostly I want to see snow\frost covered bison.

     The other day we started to play cribbage but the point is that who ever wins, gets to wear a coconuts bra whole day. Yesterday was my turn. New game is awaiting us today.

     Another exciting new is that we probably pick our future dog. It`s gonna be a Corgi!