Waiting and Saying "No"

We are back to the placement waiting game- my least favorite part of the process. Good thing Roman is around to give honest answers and ask good questions about placements because I pretty much read the descriptions and think "why the hell not! send that kid over here!"



It feels weird and bad to say no to placements- through its good to be picky about who to let in your family, and what would benefit us in the long run- it feels icky to say no.

Things one might say no too:
- someone who is too young
- an overly complicated case with many over-involved adults
- grouped siblings
- situations that sound like they are looking for a sitter for a few weeks- not a family to be a part of

Officially Foster Parents

Jellybean has left the nest- giving us official foster parent status. We sent our first one back to his family- he got to go home. All we can do now is send prayers, good juju, and thoughts to him and his family, and hope we don't see him ever again.

the most important things: the firetruck for car rides, and penguin for bedtime

We did get to put a caveat in his file that if he does come back into the system (which we hope he does not) then we will get notified and he can be placed with us again. Now, we get a few days break, and then clean up prepare for a new bundle (or rather - small tornado) of joy to come into our house.

Saying goodbye was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The closest I came to bursting into tears was when I was talking to his beloved preschool teacher. Both of us are just concerned about his future and trying not to assume the worst. Packing up his stuff was kind of fun. Even though he was only with us for 5 months he grew a lot and went from having one target bag of possessions, to several favorite books, cars, stuffed animals, too small clothes, and clothes to grow into.

Roman and I had a great time going through all the pictures and videos of Jellybean. On his last day I took a lot of videos and for some reason, Roman was surprised that there was a 4-minute slow-motion video if jellybean eating oatmeal. If you have ever seen Jellybean eat you know its pretty hilarious. I laughed my butt off watching him try and take those big bites over and over.

On to the next adventure!

He got his lungs back!

This reindeer sings and tells jokes about the John. it has a button, but it also has motion sensors. shortly after the strep epidemic at our house someone got his lungs back.

Usually, we use the reindeer as a reward for brushing teeth (which is a whole other screamfest) but this particular time he was screaming because the deer was acting on its own! It took a while to convince him I wasn't pushing the button for him- the deer was just watching him brush his teeth and would sing when he was doing a good job.

Happy National Adoption Day!

Each year, there are more than 20,000 U.S.-based infants who are placed for adoption.

Today there are 1,601 kids in the foster care system in Hennepin County, and 127 kids waiting to be adopted. Click here for more info- heart strings warning- there are pictures of the kids available to be adopted. 

It's easier to adopt from U.S. foster care than internationally 

It takes about a year to adopt a child from the United States foster care system, ranging between 79 days and 2 years. Most adoptions from foster care have no financial cost to the adoptive family while international adoption can cost $60,000+.

Not all children in foster care have special needs.

The majority of children in foster care are children who have been removed from their families due to abuse or neglect. A child whose file has been classified as “special needs” may qualify for adoption assistance due to specific factors such as: being an older child, being part of a sibling group needing to be placed together as one unit, medical conditions, and physical, mental, or emotional disabilities. A child considered to have special needs should not be confused with a child who requires special educational resources.

You CAN love an adoptive child just as much as a biological child.

Many prospective adoptive parents are influenced by this fear/myth. The truth that is testified to over and over again after adopting, is that you can and do love an adopted child just as much as a biological child. The love for your children is not a matter of blood; it is a matter of love.

 “Common Myths.” Adoptuskids.org AdoptUSKids. Web. 24 Oct 2013. http://www.adoptuskids.org/for-families/how-to-adopt/common-myths-about-adoption. Source: These statistics came from the the most recent adoption and foster care statistics from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families Adoption and Foster Care Analysis Reporting System

Anticipation

Maybe this is normal to parenting- but I feel like I live in a constant state of anticipation.


First, wired by society- anticipating the weekend and the end of the work week. Except now that jellybean has weekend visits I just feel rushed to the weekend via the symphony of screaming and Friday afternoon Minneapolis traffic. With Roman working weekends as well, its just anticipating being alone for two days- which is just not what I had planned on happening at the beginning of this strange adventure.

Then I spend the weekend anticipating Sunday night pickup (after all the laundry is done)! Wondering what version of this child I will be receiving today. How crabby, tired, full of junk food, or sick will he be? Will he be wearing the correct size clothes?



Add in court dates and that is a whole other level of anticipating. No one knows anything beforehand about what is actually going to be decided or discussed or asked in court. For our most recent court date I was convinced in my head that jellybean was going home- But, as it turns out we have a little bit more time with him- how much time, no one knows but I am appreciative of the time we do have.

"All Dum" the double edge sword

"All dum" was one of jellybean's first phrases he learned at our house. At first, the reaction was always something like "oh, good job!" or "you are all done!" or "one more bite".  Soon after these pleasant exchanges he figured out how to unbuckle himself from his booster seat - and set himself free with sticky hands to conquer the living room.



Now when we hear "all dum" it's basically a rush to grab a washcloth and grab him before he gets too far. Or sometimes the reaction is more [internally] you didn't even take a bite you cant possibly be all done!!! Or, if he says this in the car during rush hour [internally] oh, it would be just lovely to be all done, but alas - we have at least 20 minutes left, please don't start screaming!



Its rumored that parenting is a learn as you go type of experience so let me tell you what I've learned! Buckles are important! get the ones that they need a lot of thumb strength to do so you can have peace of mind to step out of the room for 5 seconds- you know, to change the laundry, or pee or something.

Halloween!

Halloween, like new years, is usually a little bit of a let down- there is so much anticipation- but nothing goes as planned!

I spent two weekends working on this firetruck for Jellybean, and Roman's house on fire. I learned that duct tape isn't as magical as people think! (gasp!) I had a lot of trouble with the tape not sticking to the cardboard, and spray paint. I didn't put enough thought into how to attach these things to their persons, so I ended up slapping straps on at the last minute. With Jellybeans  the truck ended up being too front heavy to walk around. However, he was ecstatic just to have a new toy truck to play with- the ladder is the favorite part.

Me (fire hydrant) Roman (house on fire), Jake (match), Hannah (mad scientist), Neighbor Kids (power rangers) Jellybean (fireman)

complete with working lights, steering wheel, and ladder

Since it was the coldest Halloween since 2006, we just went to the Hopkins police station and one house for trick-or-treating. even this abbreviated trip ended with a fireman down! in the middle of the street. crying. Too bad it didn't blizzard-like '91- a toboggan would have made a big difference!

Halloween 1991- Bug costumes made by mom, dad as the exterminator

Jellybean did enjoy playing with glowsticks and answering the door for other kids. Uncle Jake fed him skittles one at a time. Overall it was a pretty good family night! the trick or treating part is just a little out of reach for our two years old!

Love

It's really weird telling a stranger "I love you".  Even when that stranger is a bright-eyed chubby cheeked little face who lives in your house.

Of course kids, especially in the foster system, need to hear this every day. This ritual starts out feeling forced, and the day it just flies out of your mouth naturally surprising even yourself. Changing your perspective about love can make it feel less rigid. The super cliche wedding scripture lists out what love is:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1Corinthians 13:4-8

Patient, kind, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres- These descriptors of love are not innately feelings. As humans, we choose to be patient- that one really isn't a natural thing at least as I have experienced patience, we choose to protect our kids, we choose to endure their tantrums, we choose to persevere through rough days, and we choose to hope for their future- whether its in our home, or another home.

In looking at love this way, it's easy to see that the second Jellybean stepped into our house, we loved him-We hope for his future, we struggle with him through his bad days and feelings, we do our best to protect him.

Emo Poetry

The leaves, the sky, the clouds, the air
OH, the humanity!
swwwiiiing swwwiiiing swwwiiiing.
Everything is dark and gray
when my parents won't let me play!
The swings they call to me
echoing through the crisp fall air
swwwiiiing swwwiiiing swwwiiiing.
One day we will be together again- but now my heart weeps.

                                                         -Jellybean

Weekend Drop Off

It's raining again
stuck in traffic again
are you crabby because we are in the car?
or because you know where we are going again.
keep singing twinkle twinkle twinkle, little star.
or listen to this book of tales from afar.

It's raining again
you will be visiting mom again
your little world is really quite confusing
when will be with your family again?
home...abstract to you possibly not even  really computing
this situation stinks, and is neither of our choosing.

Guardian Ad Litem

This week Jellybean met his Guardian Ad Litem (GAL). This is a person assigned to him through the courts to be an objective observer within the court system for the best interest of the child. They meet the foster parents, birth parents, and spend time once a month with the child. I imagine that it's more helpful and important to spend time with the child when they are able to talk about their experiences, but maybe they also read minds?

His GAL is a Gal, a trained volunteer. She will observe compile, and make suggestions to the court when decisions are being made there. Roman met her while I was at work- I'm so jealous!

This is Halloween! Everybody Make a Scene!

Since Jellybean has weekend visits now, we decided it would be a fun Friday night date to drink wine and clean the house. I put on a Halloween mix and we got out the box of decorations! Nothing like opening up a box of rubber bugs and eyeballs!

When he returned from the weekend we were eating dinner when he discovered the skeleton on the ceiling. He pointed and babbled something - then I pointed out another one on the other side of the room and he said "OOOh ho ho hoooo!" and started looking for them all over the house.

I switched out some toys and books to make them Halloween themed, and gave him a little dress up box. Needless to say- he is ready now:

Pockets

It seems like my main job is holding things. The last bite of snack Jellybean wants to save for later, whatever coveted toy is around, any kind of interesting treasure from the walk (pinecone, acorns etc), and stuff I confiscated from the dogs.



I was waiting for my coffee order to be ready one day- I had already written my answer to the question of the day on the chalkboard, and I reached into my pocket. Feeling a foreign object I pulled the items out laughing to myself - oh yeah! a plastic giraffe and a stick. totally normal. I realized the high school student next to me was watching and had the best look on his face.


Dear high school kid- why not? it definitely could have been something grosser.

whats the best, or weirdest, thing you've ever found in your pocket?

Weekend Visits

Due to a glitch in the paperwork (or something like that), I found out Friday afternoon that Jellybean will be having full weekend visits. So Jellybean will be with his mom in an inpatient care facility Friday through Sunday.



Talking to Roman about it - because I was not happy- he offered to call the judge that ruled this order and explain to him that he took away all my fun days!!! We were exposing him to so many new experiences that he wouldn't have otherwise. He also is loosing out on the family experience on both ends because I see pieces of my family every weekend, and he is trapped in an inpatient facility which is neither his home or his regular family.



I spent the weekend mourning the loss of all the activities I looked forward to doing with him like family movie night at church, the fire station open house, Hopkins Halloween fest, visiting jakes coffee shop, going to the farmers market, zoo days, apple orchard adventures.... all of it. While doing all this in my head, I was in project mode, cleaning up the house and finishing projects that should have been done a while ago. With my mom's help, we finished one quilt and put together another, Roman and I put some high shelves up for a place to hide non- kid "toys", and there was the Czech Slovak festival- which I was looking forward to bringing a certain jelly bean too...



I also worried a lot about pickup, and after visit behaviors. If it takes him the rest of the evening to calm down from a 3 hr visit, what is it going to look like when he has a whole weekend to recover from?

At pickup, he was happy to see me and left peacefully. It turned out he was the happy little guy he usually is- just with extra tired bags under his eyes, a belly full of snacks (not meals), and glad to have all his trucks to himself. I got extra cuddles and I felt so much better that he was in our house again.

So... This Is Parenting?!

We stayed 5 minutes too late, Jellybean was screaming in his car seat completely inconsolable. Windows down, bass cranked, I was banging on the car - using it as a drum, and making up a song about how Jellybean is so hungry he could eat a dinosaur, a monster, and whatever else I could come up with to rhyme. Roman was laughing hysterically at my bad poetry and weird song. I thought to myself - if anyone we knew saw us it would be pretty funny! The 3-minute car ride seemed to take forever and we laughed to ourselves - So, this is parenting?!



We tend to say this a lot since instant parenthood is such a weird thing you have to just break it down into moments. Some moments are hilarious, some are heartwarming and some- you just have to survive! Here are some examples:

Experienced:

• Running with the stroller through the rain at the zoo so you can make it in time for the penguin feeding. 
• Family snuggle time watching a movie-suddenly I have tiny fingers in my nose and I hear a new word- "nose" yes little mister, that IS my nose. 
• Sitting in a puddle in view of the playground screaming because the playground is too far away

Observed: 

• A dad with two kids on bikes at the park "WE are done with the bikes. WE are running away. WE are whining. WE are done." 
• Any screaming kid at target
• The dad at the pizza place who commented the slice was bigger than his daughters head- and she decided to put the pizza on her head to test his theory. 

What are your favorite "So... this is parenting!?" moments? 

Birthdays!

This week we got to celebrate our first kid birthday! Jellybean turned two! He already learned the words "No" and "Mine" so I think we are set for those terrible twos to kick into high gear.


We started off the day with a trip to the dog park. He loves it. he chases all the dogs, and gets out so much energy. He even got slobbered on by a 140 lb Bernese Mountain Dog. Don't worry though, Fred and Millie (corgi mixes) came and barked at him and he flipped right over on the ground to surrender. Jellybean also made friends with some golden doodles, and sang with some beagles.

The next adventure was the zoo! we went to the Minnesota Zoo, and it was not crowded at all so we got to see  a lot more things. Jellybean pet 2 snakes, a giant centipede, and a shark, we also watched the otters play, penguins get fed and swim, and the monk seal show. It was raining so we didn't do the full outside loop.

 He also got to have a visit with his Mom on his birthday- very busy and tiring day for him! He fell asleep like a rock a soon as he got in bed.

Things Can Change Quickly

We initially agreed to take in Jellybean for about a month. the past week Has been week 4 of him living in our house - so as a planner, I began trying to prepare my mind and my heart to send him back to his home within the next few weeks. I didn't know how much this was weighing on me until I got a call from his social worker yesterday.

Without divulging  too much of his case- apparently this is not Jellybean's Mom's first rodeo, so the social worker is hesitant to send jellybean back to early- having to remove him again, causing more trauma. Since he is doing so well in our care, she decided that he will be staying with us until at least Mid- November.

I am so glad! Not only do we love having him in our lives, but he is doing so well. He is becoming independent, developing his speech, and I think he has a lot more learning opportunities with us than he would at home. In short- he isn't ready to leave, nor am I ready (I realize I probably will never be ready for him to go- but now I can procrastinate those feelings!)

Now we know we get to do Halloween! I have SO many ideas! What are your halloween ideas  so far? YES I realized its only September but Halloween is fun!

Five Reasons Visits Are Weird

1. How much or how little do you share?
I want to tell her all the progress Jellybean is making with his speech and his independence, how he is doing in daycare, what healthy foods he eats etc. Since he can't really share anything with her, I feel like I should be his voice- but I also don't want to come off snobby or make her feel inferior in any way. We are all here to care for this sweet kid- and do our best by him.

2. Everyone thinks you know something they don't
I have a limited knowledge of Jellybeans' case. Like I've said before, the stork came, dropped off a kid, and now he lives with us. For how long? I don't know. What does the case worker say? I don't know. When will mom get overnight visits? I don't know. I am in a blind spot- I don't know moms side of the story, and I also don't know what the case worker thinks about when things will start progressing for Jellybean's transition home.

3. All the Judging
I feel like I am being judged on everything- every toddler scratch, bruise, and outfit choice. Simultaneously I am sure she feels judgment from me as well and I don't know how to break this tension. I can't imagine being in her shoes.

4. Acknowledging everyone's pain
Moms, Jellybean's, step siblings, the boyfriend. everyone.

5. After visit behaviors
We have noticed that right after visits, and sometimes right before if we talk about what is going to happen, there is a lot of hitting that happens. This isn't normal behavior for daycare, or at our house. I also have seen Jellybean hit mom right after drop off. I'm not sure where this comes from because usually, he is so sweet and funny- its always right in the face, and followed by a glasses grab- good thing Roman is so good at cleaning glasses.

Button Pushing Gadget Freak

Are all toddlers this tactile and manic?


Really, every thing that has a button, lever, screw top, or makes noise he has to touch

We got to take advantage of all the buttons, steering, and keyhole on this train on Monday. Roman and I both had the day off so we went to Minnetonka Orchards. It was awesome! there is a petting zoo, a hay bale mountain, a train pulled by a tractor, and an apple sling shot. Jellybean had a great time chasing the bunny, chickens, and we even pet a baby cow! The train was the best though, each kid got a little train car with a steering wheel and a key and buttons and a horn, we went over a bridge and through a tunnel. It was really fun- I highly recommend it.

King Roman

Roman earned his crown this week, not just from me but also from the checkout people at the grocery store. They told him that he is the first one ever to buy all the right things on their first WIC endeavor. I was not surprised because... as you know Roman is a fan of rules, and following directions precisely and other things that are too time consuming to care about. When the lady at Hennipen County was explaining how to use Jellybeans WIC vouchers for food I was thinking to myself- man I hope Roman can read all this cause it's complicated and over my head and I stopped listening a while ago. Luckily he was the perfect one for the job!

The Bedtime Queen crown has also been shattered, it only lasted the first few days anyway. Apparently, everything  I do is hilarious and a game to Jellybean, so Roman has to step in and has been winning bedtime for the past 4 days. I don't know what I am doing thats so hilarious.... I just sit outside his door and tell him to get back into bed. Is there a joke in there that I'm not getting? Thus, I pass the crown to Roman!

Yes, I AM a crazy person!

I try to keep this all under wraps, but its so much harder to hide now! I have a whole planner just for Jellybean. I use it both to keep track of things we need to do, visits, words he says, and as a journal to see how many days it takes him to calm down after a visit with M-O-M (2 days if you were wondering).



The REAL crazy comes out when I have downtime at work with only excel and the internet to entertain me- lets face it the internet isn't all that entertaining. Also, we have to maximize our family time because rarely do Roman and I both have a day off, thus:

I think we are going to go with the Minnetonka orchards. Suggestions welcome, and yes its color coded by price :D

Toddler Brain

We talk all day long incessantly. We narrate Jellybeans movements, guess on his thoughts, and try and get him to say more words. This not only makes us forget grown up words, but also can make anyone a little crazy.



Its especially funny when people over hear what you are saying and begin questioning all your life choices. Jellybean was walking around eating a cucumber at the farmers market, he kept putting it down on the ground and picking it back up. I figured out he was trying to poop so I said " let me hold that for you, it IS really hard to hold a cucumber and poop at the same time" (in a totally serious voice)

My dad turned to me with a funny look on his face and said "how could you possibly know that?" hmmm good point, that is a very specific experience that I have not encountered ever. I was just guessing.

Another day roman and I both forgot the word for a watering can.... for half an hour. Even brainstorming together we couldn't remember it. flower shower? watering bucket? why are words so hard!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

If you say "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" anything can be fun!


This tactic has worked really well in distraction and redirection. Its also one of my favorite things when he is riding in the car and just randomly I hear a little "weeeeee"  voice from the back seat!

This is especially funny when the "weee" comes out of an unenthusiastic crying face- you have to smile when you say it so it's crying, "weee", back to crying. Hilarious

First Visit

This weekend we had our first visit with Mom. For all the time and energy I spend to try and get Jellybean to nap, and bed, OF COURSE, he fell asleep right as we arrived- the last thing I wanted was to give mom a sleepy, crabby kid. There weren't any social workers involved because the visit was in an in patient treatment center- and the exchange of Jellybean was really informal. It only seemed weird in hindsight though.



We parked in the wrong place and ended up walking almost all the way around a city block to find the right door. then a whole group of people came rushing out of the building to meet us. Jellybean was very overwhelmed and then happy to go. There were step siblings, and who Jellybean believes to be his dad, and some other people too, the whole gang was there! I left pretty quickly just to give the family space.

Three hours is a lot of time to kill. My dad and I went out to lunch at midtown global market and walked around a bit,  and then I still had an hour to wait. It was a drizzly rainy day so taking a walk or sitting in a park wasn't an option. I ended up getting McDonalds coffee, and sitting in the car listening to a Norse Mythology audible book- I totally fell asleep, it was glorious.

Pick up went well too! He ran out to see me when I got there, and I got a little time to talk to Mom, and schedule our next Visit. Jellybean and I had made her a card in the morning with a picture of him, some of his coloring, and a "get well" message which she was thankful for. Our next visit is on Tuesday, and hopefully, it won't be with the whole gang- I think both of them just need some 1-1 time.



Except for the pizza roll and Frosting covered face that was returned to me, everything went well. We have been eating pretty healthy so the frosting went straight to his head. We had a great time running around the skyways while waiting for Roman to get off work. We pushed all the buttons and talked to all the security guards.

Weekaversary!

The week went by so fast! We've had Jellybean for a week now, and things are still going well. We have a good schedule for the day, bedtime is getting better, and the dogs have calmed down, now that they know the frequency of snack opportunities.

We found a preschool for him- he is attending three days a week and doing well so far! He eats like a monster and sleeps all the way through the night- except the 2nd night night terror situation.



Romans favorite thing so far is Jellybeans smile (like hes up to no good) and he always is looking around and saying "whoah!" at anything- a garbage truck, animals at the zoo, a pb&j sandwich, or a stick.



My favorite thing so far is playing with him on the swings, and upside down puppy kisses- because if you hold him upside down he giggles incessantly and both dogs come to check his cheeks for snacks it's a whole family giggle fest.



Jellybeans favorite things are trucks, dinosaurs, eating play dough, wearing a fireman hat- making sure the elastic snaps to his head for security, stomping in puddles, feeding the dogs, swings, watching construction trucks, and going down the big slides in someone's lap.

Bedtime is a B****

It's apparently really hard to sleep in a big kid bed! It was taking progressively longer and longer to get this jellybean to sleep! the first night was 30 minutes (everything was new and exhausting) the second was one hour, the third was two hours.

We tried all kinds of different things! Music, back rubs, rocking, bouncing basically everything turned into a really fun game of playing with toes and talking to himself. This reminded me of when I taught preschool and putting kids to sleep was about as easy as wrestling a snake. 

The fourth night was a success!!! Roman was alone with him all day and was unsuccessful at nap time, despite giving it a real good go. We had a really low sugar dinner (we made the mistake of pb&j yesterday), pounded on play-dough, went for a stroller ride with the dogs, low key bathtime, and watched a little PBS before having a warm milk bottle and rocking to sleep to meditation music. 15 minutes later: SUCCESS!!! Achievement unlocked, we won 2 hours of our life back!

So lesson learned,  Jellybean is still a baby at heart and we will attempt this again tonight and see how it goes. It will be a slow transition to getting him to sleep on his own in his big kid bed.

*Update: the next day took one hour- but No scream! I count that as a win!